Challenges of the young
01/07/16 04:37
We had been married for six years when I officiated at my first wedding. I had a great deal of confidence as I approached that ceremony. I had taken a lot of courses in marriage and family counseling. I was confident with my understanding of the liturgies of the church and with my role as a leader of worship. I didn’t get as much time for premarriage counseling with the couple as I wanted, but we had been able to arrange several meetings and I felt ready for the task.
That couple didn’t make it to their sixth wedding anniversary. I don’t think they even made it to the first. The relationship was, as they say, a disaster from the start. The divorce was handled fairly swiftly and without too much trauma I guess.
That was a long time ago. I’ve officiated at a lot of weddings since that time. Like other officiants in this particular period of history, I’ve seen a fair share of those whose marriages I helped to celebrate separate and divorce. I don’t think my statistics are much better or worse than the national average of around 50% of marriages ending in divorce.
There have been some wonderful marriages as well. We’ve been around for the baptisms of children of marriages at which we officiated and by now there are a fair number of grandchildren from those marriages. We read of happy couples on Facebook and know that there have been some solid relationships that have grown out of wedding ceremonies we helped to lead.
I look at young adults who I’ve watched grow up in the church and I’ve become aware of how truly difficult it is to build a successful marriage in today’s world. First of all our society continues to lengthen the period of adolescence. Marriages in the early twenties are becoming relatively rare. 1st marriages in the late twenties or early thirties are becoming most common. That’s quite a few years beyond high school graduation at 18. And most of the young adults we know have gone through a period of experimentation with relationships that includes living together and breaking up. In terms of emotional stress it is almost as if many young adults have experienced a divorce-like breakup of a serious relationship before they become married for the first time.
Society presents an image of soul mates and the joy of finding the perfect mate. We’ve see it in movies and on television and in the popular culture. The problem is that there seems to be little genuine advice on how to find that special someone other than the advertisements for online dating services.
The images of popular media also don’t portray how much effort and energy are required to maintain a healthy relationship. Marriage is a whole lot more than a fairy tale ceremony with the perfect dress, perfect venue, perfect music, and perfect menu for the reception. It is living with a real human being day in and day out for the rest of your life. It is learning to listen carefully and choosing to grow together instead of growing apart. We all change over the course of a marriage. That process of change can be wonderful and exciting. There truly is no joy that matches the joy of growing old together. But we had to learn to look for the joy in all of the changes. It wasn’t automatic for us.
One of the biggest challenges for young adults who are looking for intimacy and a deep relationship is that they live more isolated lives than previous generations. We had the built-in community of the church everywhere we moved. Even though we have often lived at some distance from our families and don’t have the close network of aunts and uncles and cousins that was a part of some earlier generations, we have always had the community of the church. That means that there are plenty of natural counselors for the times when we have experienced stress or faced new challenges. We’ve alway had access to willing and caring babysitters and friends who were secure in their own marriages. It makes a big difference. Many young couples today don’t have such a community to back them up.
I don’t mean this blog post to be a series of complaints. I am genuinely filled with hope when I work with young couples on their weddings. I find their intentions to be very positive and their commitment to be genuine. I enjoy working with couples on their weddings. It is just that there are parts of being a young adult in today’s world that are really, really hard and my heart aches at some of the challenges that they face.
We chose a job and stuck with it for all of our lives. They will likely have to choose multiple careers in their working life. We have lived in relatively stable times. They face a world of instability and uncertainty.
Fortunately, there are some truly capable and wonderful young adults in the world today. Sure they face problems. Sure they make mistakes. Occasionally their “screw ups” are major and have life-long consequences. Still, there is great creativity and energy and capability in the young adults we meet these days. They seem to be able to face setbacks and reversals with a great deal of grace and intelligence.
And I don’t want to discourage them or say so much about the hard work and troubles that lie ahead for them to frighten them. After all, sometimes things work out really well. In spite of the challenges of this complex world, occasionally a young adult finds just the right person with whom to share a marriage and build a family. There are cases of young adults who discover exactly the right profession on their first try.
For those who are struggling, I simply want to say, “Hang in there! Try again! Don’t let a mistake or failure define you. We believe in you. And please, keep my phone number in your phone. Who knows you may even want to call it once in a while. I’ll be there for you if you need me.
That couple didn’t make it to their sixth wedding anniversary. I don’t think they even made it to the first. The relationship was, as they say, a disaster from the start. The divorce was handled fairly swiftly and without too much trauma I guess.
That was a long time ago. I’ve officiated at a lot of weddings since that time. Like other officiants in this particular period of history, I’ve seen a fair share of those whose marriages I helped to celebrate separate and divorce. I don’t think my statistics are much better or worse than the national average of around 50% of marriages ending in divorce.
There have been some wonderful marriages as well. We’ve been around for the baptisms of children of marriages at which we officiated and by now there are a fair number of grandchildren from those marriages. We read of happy couples on Facebook and know that there have been some solid relationships that have grown out of wedding ceremonies we helped to lead.
I look at young adults who I’ve watched grow up in the church and I’ve become aware of how truly difficult it is to build a successful marriage in today’s world. First of all our society continues to lengthen the period of adolescence. Marriages in the early twenties are becoming relatively rare. 1st marriages in the late twenties or early thirties are becoming most common. That’s quite a few years beyond high school graduation at 18. And most of the young adults we know have gone through a period of experimentation with relationships that includes living together and breaking up. In terms of emotional stress it is almost as if many young adults have experienced a divorce-like breakup of a serious relationship before they become married for the first time.
Society presents an image of soul mates and the joy of finding the perfect mate. We’ve see it in movies and on television and in the popular culture. The problem is that there seems to be little genuine advice on how to find that special someone other than the advertisements for online dating services.
The images of popular media also don’t portray how much effort and energy are required to maintain a healthy relationship. Marriage is a whole lot more than a fairy tale ceremony with the perfect dress, perfect venue, perfect music, and perfect menu for the reception. It is living with a real human being day in and day out for the rest of your life. It is learning to listen carefully and choosing to grow together instead of growing apart. We all change over the course of a marriage. That process of change can be wonderful and exciting. There truly is no joy that matches the joy of growing old together. But we had to learn to look for the joy in all of the changes. It wasn’t automatic for us.
One of the biggest challenges for young adults who are looking for intimacy and a deep relationship is that they live more isolated lives than previous generations. We had the built-in community of the church everywhere we moved. Even though we have often lived at some distance from our families and don’t have the close network of aunts and uncles and cousins that was a part of some earlier generations, we have always had the community of the church. That means that there are plenty of natural counselors for the times when we have experienced stress or faced new challenges. We’ve alway had access to willing and caring babysitters and friends who were secure in their own marriages. It makes a big difference. Many young couples today don’t have such a community to back them up.
I don’t mean this blog post to be a series of complaints. I am genuinely filled with hope when I work with young couples on their weddings. I find their intentions to be very positive and their commitment to be genuine. I enjoy working with couples on their weddings. It is just that there are parts of being a young adult in today’s world that are really, really hard and my heart aches at some of the challenges that they face.
We chose a job and stuck with it for all of our lives. They will likely have to choose multiple careers in their working life. We have lived in relatively stable times. They face a world of instability and uncertainty.
Fortunately, there are some truly capable and wonderful young adults in the world today. Sure they face problems. Sure they make mistakes. Occasionally their “screw ups” are major and have life-long consequences. Still, there is great creativity and energy and capability in the young adults we meet these days. They seem to be able to face setbacks and reversals with a great deal of grace and intelligence.
And I don’t want to discourage them or say so much about the hard work and troubles that lie ahead for them to frighten them. After all, sometimes things work out really well. In spite of the challenges of this complex world, occasionally a young adult finds just the right person with whom to share a marriage and build a family. There are cases of young adults who discover exactly the right profession on their first try.
For those who are struggling, I simply want to say, “Hang in there! Try again! Don’t let a mistake or failure define you. We believe in you. And please, keep my phone number in your phone. Who knows you may even want to call it once in a while. I’ll be there for you if you need me.